Control Freak

*****CAUTION, WEIRD RANTING AHEAD*****

I find myself quite curious as of whether if people often reflect on who they are as selfs and as social beings. 

I personally just can't stop thinking about that kind of stuff. Most of the time, it's mostly going in circles, but once in a while I discover something about myself, a new way to comprehend a few of my own behaviours.

I am a control freak.

I used to think I was a very social being. Facts were speaking for themselves: I've always seemed to be surrounded by people as I grew up. People I knew well, and less well, were always coming and going around me. I never had to call people to hang out, it would just happen naturally. I had good friends, best friends.
And a bunch of those very very close ties you have, that you can just show up at their place or them at yours, uninvited, and there'd be a place for you.

Those friends.

The friends you make young enough for the friendship to last through long times without seeing even a glimpse of each other, but that when you meet them again, nothing has changed, because while everything around has, the essence of the friendship has not.

Those friends...

Now that I re-think about it, I might not be a social person, at least not as much as I used to think. I love people, no news here. Just maybe not as sociable people do.

If you ask ANYONE who has spend enough time with me to see me act relaxed and careless around them, they'll tell you that I am a crazy talkative extrovert. I think out loud, and it comes out as a beautiful diarrhea of words (who would not associate diarrhea and beautiful eh?), more or less relevant to any conversation topic. It is true. I talk a lot. Mostly irrelevant stuff.

As for the extrovert part I don't know.



I keep telling people that I am a failure as a woman in that I cannot multitask. A person talks to me, I either give them 100% of my attention, or nothing. I either give a 100 or nothing. That's why when there are tons of people talking, I either stop listening or I just listen to one person, and forget the others.
It's a mistake, with me, to assume that, if I go "hm hm" "oh really?" to your story while I am knitting, or  worse, while I am reading something or looking at a painting or a drawing, I am listening.

I am not.

While I love people, there are only my very best friends, that I can be with forever, without feeling burdened. I talk like crazy, but as opposed to what it seems, it DOES drain my energy. It's as if, when I am with people, I feel like I HAVE to give them my energy, and one of the means to do that is talking. Well, I get tired of it after a while. And I stop talking. Or I stop listening. Or stop caring. Or stop being "there" altogether.

I DO multi task. 

In my head.

When I think, I think in layers. My mind is just completely restless, at all times. I keep putting every single thing that happens to me, every situation I did not like, and think of a different way I could have reacted, for example, wondering if there was a way for me to change the resulting situation. Even writing a blog is hard for me, because my thoughts scatters so much that I often don't get the time to write everything I originally intended to write.

Because not only does my mind keeps at it all the time, I have a VEEERA bad short term memory. That goes for names and new words, when I learn a language - they need to be said tons of times for me to remember them, but then I don't ever forget. 

It's annoying in a sense, because I think of so many things I feel worth remembering, plan things in my head and re-see them happening, but I don't remember them after a few minutes. That's the reason I keep many calendars, and use them all. So I write and re-write all the information, not to forget. And I still forget, mind you.

As people always ended up showing at my place I'd end up being the person organizing everything, taking all the space. I would organize Club activities, games, parties and small random stuff happening at my place.

I don't know if I really like organizing stuff.

I am a control freak.

Which means (1) that I love to have control over all that is happening, how it is happening, who is making it happen and how it ends. Gets to the extend that I want to control the very people in those activities.
That's why I am scared shitless of taking control. Ironic? If I make my mind that I get things under my control, if it goes wrong, of if I lose it, I just lose my mind. I go berserk. It's not pretty.

Same for my place. I love having people over, and preparing a flawless snack, appetizer set, lunch, placed nicely in the table, in a nice clean kitchen. But it's tiring as hell. So I don't know if I like to have people over or not in the end. Split personality?
Last time I organized a birthday party at my place, I cleaned and put things in their respective place half of the time (the other I drank and played games, no worries). I say I am OCD, but really, I don't go crazy if something is unclean. That is if I CHOSE that I would let it be unclean. Really, the problem is that I NEED to decide for things to be the exact way I want them to be. Not sure it's really healthy.

Anyways. That's why I cherish my time alone very much. Because I know exactly what will happen.

I hate time.

I hate schedules.

Because if I am doing something I want to do it through. And schedules usually end up messing up that notion of things well done.


I love being alone, but I am a hopeless romantic, and as much as I fail in finding decent matches, I crave the warmth of love/butterflies in the stomach.

But love is also another of those things where I leave the control remote to someone else, and it scares me shitless (again, I suppose having gone through all those crazy ass failed relationship doesn't help with fear).



Happy Lunar New Year