Selfish...

When one does not have much to do, it's quite easy to fall into what I could call 'self-contemplation' of one's life road. Doing this lately, I thought a lot about failed relationship and that made me realize a lot of things. 

I always knew that generally, unconsciously, girls tend up to attract the same kind of guy over and over again - if it's a good guy that you get, then most of the time that's what you'll find going after you, which is good, but the opposite is also the same, which sucks. More than that, as humans tend to stay mostly the same and big changes in personality are quite rare, you'll also encounter the same sort of problems. Anyways, watching other people around me, that's what I realized. That does not stop anyone from trying on and on and on the same sort of things, hoping that the result will not be the same. Sometimes it works. Most of the time not. Anyhow, judging others, while having them around me is quite easy, but thinking about oneself is probably not so. Personally, I always need long periods of time on my own to reflect properly. 

Okay my first boyfriend turned up to be gay. 

....for that reason I'll count him out of my generalizations, plus I was 14 at the time. It'll be the exception to the rule. Anyways, since at 14, while I did have probably a worse version of the 'controlled' attitude I have now, but I did not necessarily choose exactly what I wanted, and mostly went to high school, not thinking about what was coming next that much.

After that I had another when I was 17, in my last high school year. That was the first time I actually had plans for a near future: I wanted to do a student exchange to Japan. He hated the idea. Did not want me to leave for a full year. I could understand that a year was long, but as we had been host family before, I knew that highschool student exchange were experiences that were worth it and there would be no other chance for me to go than that year, so I did not even think of considering not going. That was clear to me. Was that selfish? I don't know. I actually don't believe that it was a bad kind of selfishness. Thinking about it now, the firsts boyfriends are people you are infactuated with, with whom you share good times and dreams. They should not be reasons to jeopardize future plan, since logically thinking, they will probably not be in them in the long run.... ha ha ha bittersweet first loves.

In 2nd year University, the guy I was going out with was not from Montreal - the place I studied - he had already travelled twice and lived in two completely different countries before coming to McGill study. We both had kowledge of culture clashes and of the difficulty dealing with them. In my second year, I was planning a student exchange to Korea with McGill University, as they seemed to have sweet programs. My boyfriend was Chinese and, not caring much about Korea, he always found it weird that I'd want to learn Korean. Why Korean, if my boyfriend was chinese? (mind you, I was also learning Chinese at the time) That had always been a touchy subject for us, but I really liked Korean language, and saw no reason to stop learning it anyways. He really did not like the idea of me going to Korea for a full year. More than a touchy subject, it really showed in his attitude that while he'd not directly tell me not to go, he'd be really upset if I did. That time, I considered not going. I thought our relationship was strong enough for me to plan things together, and see what life had in store for us. In the end, I did not apply. There was a one month mandarin course program food/lodging/schooling in Taiwan in June for a really cheap price, and I thought that I would at least get to travel and see a new place, learn a language I wanted to learn, plus having him happy that I'd learn chinese, and not Korean. I really regretted not going to Korea, but I thought I could travel there after I graduate. While I was in Taiwan, we mostly argued every time we talked, and things never really got better over the summer we spent together, and we ended up breaking up in the Fall. That fall I would have been in Korea. 

That was the first time I really considered planning my future according to our couple. And it failed miserably. While I cared for the relationship lots more than an exchange - proof, I had chosen the relationship over it - I felt the bitterness all the more, since I lost both at the same time. At that time I decided I was not going to change my experience opportunities for a guy ever again. 

But I did.

My ex-boyfriend was also Chinese. He openly hated Korea and Koreans - loads. When I fell for him I was quite in despair, since I knew I wanted to go to Taiwan of Japan the next year teach English and get my Japanese or Mandarin up to date. I remembered my promise to myself, thinking that, even at University age, people should not plan too far ahead in relationships. Instead of torturing myself, I decided to give it a try anyways, see what life had in store. He was not at school, he was working full-time so I thought that might be different anyways. When he heard about my plans of going away he turned quite sad. He did not want me to go and the idea seemed to depress him much. I said that it was going to be in more than 10 months anyways, and instead of going in november, I could always go the following March, as there were two starting dates in the program. We left it at that. 

Later on, after a few months together, I started doubting. I starting thinking that, maybe, I was being too selfish, wanting to go abroad while having a boyfriend. While I do have friends that did long-distance - some for years, some for summers at times, and some for a time in between that - and succeed in keeping a loving and sweet relationship - I thought, that maybe it could not work with me. I decided not to go to Taiwan right away. I had planned on taking their financial help - of which a loan is given to me, and reimbursed part by part as I get my teaching paychecks - and go there right after I graduate, but I thought I could move back to my parent's place in the fall and make money by working here before going instead. That sounded all the more reasonable, as I actually would not borrow money from anyone. While I was in University, my parents paid for eveything: now I was going to have to earn my own, so I figured It'd be easier to pile up money if I came back to my hometown, than if I was to pay continuously for an apartment in Montreal. So the plan was to spend the summer in Montreal, and the following year in my hometown, taking the bus to Montreal once or twice a month to see him a few days, and have him come once a month driving down to my hometown. That seemed good to me even if it meant to give up Taiwan for the moment. 

After a few month he grew distant and not caring. I thought that what had seemed like a good compromise probably had not been that good. I started thinking I might have been to selfish. After a time, he tells me he was not going to be able to come to m place this fall, as he was really busy and needed to save up money to go to France see a friend. That really sounded mean to me, especially after I put so much effort in calling him  very often and going to see him in Montreal. But I thought that I might have been expecting too much, too selfish again. So I decided that next year, I'd not to to Taiwan just yet, but that I'd go live in Montreal with him a year or so, still working full time. That weekend he breaks up with me through the phone, and three days later he is in a new relationship with a KOREAN girl. How ironic is that.

If I do a little synthesis here: guys going out with me can't plan a future together - maybe they are not sure enough of the depth of the relationship to completely engage? - but they don't like the idea that I'd leave the country - lack of trust? - either. I stop my plans: I loose both. wow.

So here comes the title of this blog. Fuck this. I will be selfish. I will not backup on my plans anymore. If it means having no relationship until I finally settle with a house of my own somewhere and stay put, so be it. I think humans need a bit of selfishness regarding their dreams, and the age I am at right now, is the age to experience new things and try on and on. I'll just continue just that. What is wrong in being selfish anyways? 

Result: I am staying here at least a year and half (taking university classes, driving classes, making money) and after I'll go to Taiwan or to Korea. This winter I am going to a sweet retreat in a mountain in Japan with my brother. Theses are my plans, and I will change them as I, and only I, see fit. here.